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blog (＝⌒▽⌒＝)
a place to post about things on my mind! or what i'm currently obesessing about or what i've been up to! （˶′◡‵˶）
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today i am listening to a playlist that my favorite person made for me. comprised of songs that remind them of me. the way that they perceive me, i find very beautiful. the way that they think, i think is wonderful. the songs in the playlist are so dreamy, i love them all. i want to become one conglomerate mass of flesh with my favorite person. is this the type of love that people dream about? i feel like we were always supposed to meet at some point in time, we were always supposed to be close. it feels so strangely correct. and maybe i'm being naive but i don't care right now. i want to let myself love freely, i don't want to be afraid anymore. i want to be vulnerable, and even if i get hurt at least i was my most genuine self. it is always better to feel than to close yourself off. embrace the human condition. to feel. i want to feel forever. humanity is tragically and painfully beautiful. i will write a manifesto sometime. maybe one person will read it, even if no one does i don't mind. i want to write about my beliefs. i don't want to sit in silence anymore. i want to do the things i was afraid of doing. maybe i'm impulsive and immature but i'm a teenager. i'll be young for a little while longer. embrace the human condition, life is too short to run away from your humanity i want to talk about being a human. i've always thought that i was never fully human. the people around me always decided, you are different, you are special. who are you to make that judgement? am i not a fellow human as you are? i must be otherworldly if you keep pushing these ideas onto me. i am too sensitive, i think too much, and i cry too much. i think about the end of the world often. does anyone else do these things? today i talked to my favorite person again. i talked about losing myself all those years ago, and how i was nothing. not even that i felt like nothing, i was nothing. there was nothing left within me, no humanity, no feelings, no dreams. there was nothing, so i was nothing. and i was okay with that. i think that point was probably the lowest point i had ever experienced in my entire life. i will probably never experience anything like that ever again and i am so so glad. sometimes i still feel as if they are watching. there is no one but me here but i feel so afraid. the eyes, they scare me. i am alone. so alone here. there is no one but me. it's too easy to fall within myself. i feel myself slipping away. sometimes it becomes difficult to grasp what is real and what is my own distorted thinking. what am i? my favorite person tells me i am human, just like them. i want to believe, but there are doubts within me. i guess i don't want to accept the fact that i will probably never be able to function normally like everyone else does. it's easier to delude myself into thinking that i'm not from this world, that is why i can never fit in. i want to go home, but where is home? i feel so lost here. i am alone. so alone here. my oil paint baby sneers at me. he was born from my pain and suffering. made of chemicals that they try to make "safer" but you cannot really change the nature of how something is. he is drying out, but he whispers to me. "look at me," i don't want to look at the monster i birthed from my tears. i hate my child. i hope he suffers a death as painful as his birth. disgusting. i drift farther away. i hope tomorrow will be a better day. today i am sick. it feels weird, to be sick. my head hurts a little, and i feel warm. thinking is slow. my body is slow. i wish that i wasn't sick. i don't like feeling so lethargic. there are many things i want to do, and many things i need to do. i hope i will recover quickly. maybe i will talk about my favorite person. my favorite person makes everything better, even being sick like this. i told my favorite person about the aliens today, and how i thought i would die. they would be a tree and i would be a grave. keeping each other company until the world comes to an end. i don't think i fear death. i don't mind it. it's a part of life, and it's unavoidable. i think it's a beautiful thing. to live and to die. i don't want to live forever, because then life would lose meaning. time would mean nothing, and i think people are always motivated by time. our time is limited and we should spend it well. i want to spend my life doing wonderful things. i want to live beautifully. and i'm sure it will happen someday. i think life is a wonderful thing and i want to appreciate everything because what is the point to be so bitter all the time? i am love. i am the world and the world is me. perception. the world is mine. i will rest now. i feel hopeless, knowing that no matter what someone may say, i'll always feel the way that i do. this self-pity that i feel, is disgusting. i am nothing but a sack of flesh taking up space in this world where everyone is racing for a finish line that doesn't exist. i hate the person i've become, i've become the person that has hurt me. to become like the one you vowed to never become, why do i even bother to keep on living? screaming out into a void, where no one is listening. it's probably better that way in the end, i don't want anyone to come across my delusional ramblings. i hate the person i've become, and the person i will continue to be. i run away from the things that scare me, like a stupid coward. i'm nothing in this world, filled with people who know who they are or don't have the capacity to understand that everyone put on this planet is doomed to suffer for the short amount of time that we are "granted" this life. i never asked to be born, and sometimes i feel bitter. if i hadn't been alive at all, to experience this self-hatred and self-pity. and i could kill myself. i'm not scared to. i'm really not. but it'd be a larger inconvience for the people around me and i don't want to bother anyone. i want people who care about me, but i also hate being perceived. i hate being seen, but i want attention; as it is our innate human desire to crave connection with other humans. i hate this. i wish i were an alien, so i wouldn't have to feel these painfully human emotions. but i also know that without feeling, is a worse way to live than to live the way i do now. as with everything, i know these feelings will pass. i don't want to talk to anyone about these feelings, because i know i'll be okay in the end. it feels selfish to burden someone with my temporary feelings. we're all living a lie in the end, even myself. i decieve myself into being the person i show others, when in reality i am bitter and hateful towards everything. sure i believe everyone deserves love and understanding, but i don't think i do. sure i think that life is worth living, but not for myself. i am a hypocrite for the things i preach to others, i don't believe what i say at all but delude myself in the moment to sound sincere. i'm a disgusting selfish liar that doesn't deserve the same treatment i give others. i know these feelings will pass but god i fucking hate these thoughts. it's disgusting. hihi guys! i have been doing a lot better recently!!! my art classes have started up again and they are all very fun and nice! and my medications are working soooo well :D i don't feel like the world is ending every day anymore!! yippee!! more updates will come soon :3 i got put on some new medications, and i think i'm doing better. i also got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which explains the way i've been feeling for a long time. i got put on zoloft and it's much better than when i was on prozac. i do have some trouble sleeping and my dreams are very strange, but i don't feel as bad as i did before. at 100 mg, my psychiatrist said that my hallucinations and delusions would stop. i'm now two days clean from sh, and i hope i can keep it going for a few months again like i did last time. i try my best every day, even when things are very difficult. thank you for reading, have a nice rest of your day/night ^^ as of recently, i haven't been able to get out of bed. i can't really do anything, actually. i don't even leave my room. i don't really talk to people. i don't really eat. i don't really drink. i don't really do any basic needs. i don't really do anything at all. i feel empty. i don't really feel like i need to do those things. i don't know. i just don't know. GUYS. I JUST WATCHED MURDER DRONES AND HOLY SHIT I LOVE IT SO MUCH. WHY IS IT SO GOOD. I LOVE HOT SADISTIC ROBOT WOMEN. anyways jokes aside (maybe) i really enjoyed watching the 6 episodes glitch has out. i highly, highly recommend if you like sci-fi/horror/mystery type things!! i fricking love uzi and n so much grrrr grahhhh (i bought their plushes cuz they were on sale *laughs manically* i have no money now pls help). the plot can be a little confusing sometimes, but i can promise you you will not be bored while watching any of the episodes. i'm very excited for the next episode, it's coming spring next year (GRAHHHHH GIVE IT TO ME NOW I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER) but yeah if you have any free time, go give it a watch :3 hi guys!! recently i got hospitalized due to mental health issues, so i wasn't able to work on my website for a while. i'm doing better now, so that is very good! i was thinking about adding an art page, cause i draw pretty often. i might add that in sometime this month if i'm feeling up to it. if you guys have any suggestions of anything you want to see or want me to add, i might add some sort of chat box too, just so you wouldn't have to go through the hassle of going to the guestbook. recently i've been thinking a lot about omori. i think i'll add omori to my games page too. ohoh i was also thinking about posting some of my music too. it's not super amazing i think, but i think it could be a fun addition to have. to whomever is reading, i hope you have a nice morning/afternoon/evening/night!! oh wow it's been two months since i've last posted here (⌒_⌒;) i have been super busy with gay art school!! i love gay art school!!!! but anyway i have come to post about my new topic of interest: THE AMAZING DIGITAL CIRCUS \(★ω★)/ I FREAKING LOVE POMNI SO MUCH SHE'S SO CUTE I DON'T CARE THAT SHE'S 7 YEARS OLDER THAN ME I LOVE HER SO MUCHHHH (ﾉ´ з `)ノi also think kinger is super silly he just wants his insect collection please he's just a silly chess piece (≧д≦ヾ) i'm super duper excited to see where the rest of the show will go, it's like a mix of fnaf, don't hug me i'm scared and hazbin hotel and they are all things i love dearly so yeah!!!! sorry about the lack of updates recently! i had to work on my mental health a little and i'm happy to say i feel a lot better now ^^ i'll be working on the music section of the website because i found a new band to hyperfixate on (^ω^；) anyway i hope that anyone reading this has a good morning/afternoon/night!（*＾ワ＾*） today i was looking for dividers for my website, and i came across a lot of cute ones! i thought i would post some of my findings here in case anyone needed some (。・ω・。)
